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Well, sort of.

As always, here are some pros but with one big con.

And so I don’t blow my own brains out, I’m gonna start with the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad con AND END WITH THE HAPPY PROS YAY!

Spoilers to follow

TOO

MUCH

TONY

F***ING

STARK

My old argument from Civil War still applies to this movie. I’m sorry, since when is Tony Stark a father figure to Peter? If ANYONE is Peter’s go-to, it’s Steve Rogers.

During Civil War, Spidey reveals his secret identity to the world. Then he goes to Cap for advise when everything kinda goes to shit.

Then he says his famous “you move” speech

and Peter’s like damn.

THIS COULD HAVE BEEN THE COOLEST THING EVER BUT NO NO HE’S GONNA FANBOY OVER RDJ– OH I MEAN TONY.

*growls* Tony.

THINGS THAT WERE NOT F***ING OK

  • Tony comes up with “friendly neighborhood Spider-man”
  • Tony’s voice guides Peter NOT Ben Parker (who’s never mentioned DID WE FORGET THE BASICS, KIDS? NEVER MESS WITH THE ORIGIN STORY, JUST DON’T)
  • Tony makes Peter’s suit (WRONG Peter is super smart and does it himself! At least they had him making his own webs though)

And don’t you dare try and tell me RDJ doesn’t have a say because HE DOES. I mean… why is he being written into every movie? Why is RDJ constantly promoting the latest Marvel whatever? Why is he always sharing Marvel memes on his FB?

Cuz he makes dat money.

It’s that simple.

and then I go on a long rant about Hollywood, huh where’d that come from.

Hollywood has truly turned into a horribly mangled, drunk, and nip-tucked version of itself. I mean these are some movies that are out right now:

  • Despicable Me THREE
  • A tenth Planet of the Apes film
  • A movie called fucking Baby Driver? who’s dick did that guy have to suck to get that through?
  • A fiftieth Transformers movie
  • Cars THREE
  • A movie called The Mummy which is a sick JOKE compared to the masterpiece from 1999 of the same name so now those Google search results are forever intertwined
  • A 600th Pirates movie
  • Rough Night, a film desperately trying to remake Bridesmaids when we all know it’s A Weekend at Bernies remake
  • A 525th Alien movie about space killing us
  • And a bunch of movies based off books with white protagonists

And good old Marvel is no exception.

What works? what has worked since 2008? What has been constant, our golden ticket, our go-to when things looked bad?

Ironman.

And I can’t be so naive as to say, ugh it’s the WRITERS FAULT, IT’S RDJS FAULT, WAAAH! Because that’s only part of it. It’s also OUR fault. WE go out and consume this shit, we’re still and always have been celebrity obsessed, we love big shiny things, toilet humor and recycled ideas that are only half assed anyway. I know I’m generalizing; Get Out, Rogue One, and Moonlight among others were all hugely successful and original, but they were blips. In the grand scheme of things, we’re gonna see more billboards vomiting the Emoji Movie than we are the latest film from Sundance. We must demand MORE from out media.

My issues here run a bit deep as film, the power of film, is my real passion. And super heroes, MY hero Spider-man, is another.

Superhero films have lost their way, they just suck now. It seems like a life time ago that The Dark Knight came out, since that Ironman suit looked soooooo damn good and REAL. Marvel is stale, uninteresting and has become rather insulting to it’s fans.

NOW THE PROS YAAAAAAAAAY

  • Tom Holland was an adorable Peter Parker. Tobey’s Spidey felt like 30 year olds playing high school, Andrew’s Spidey felt like college kids playing high school, THIS ONE ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.
  • The cast being like 99% people of color YIIIIS
  • I’d completely forgotten Michael Keaton was the villain and he was creepy as fuck and GOOD and figures out Peter’s identity like super quickly. He was a legit threat to Pete.
  • May teaching Peter to Dance for homecoming ❤
  • There was plenty of Peter AND Spider-Man
  • Suburban!Spidey trying to websling
  • It was wonderfully funny
  • Caps instructional videos being horribly cringe worthy but silly in a good way. Like they TOTALLY WOULD, ugh
  • And of course, Peter’s life being a total mess *happy sigh*

I haven’t been brought to tears by a Marvel film since The Winter Soldier… When Peter is trapped and hyperventilating, then he starts crying out for help, I died. (also reminded of those famous Steve Ditko panels am’i’rite?? And you know even though IM’s saved Peter twice, you KNOW he ain’t showing up now.) Peter is just a kid, he’s 15 years old. He was the first kid superhero, like he was in high school when he started being a hero. He got these awesome powers but was too young and inexperienced with them. So much so, he made the biggest mistake of his life and it cost him his uncle, he literally got someone killed, his own family! That was the one thing missing from this movie, I mean maybe they’ll delve into it some more in the sequel but, THE SOURCE MATERIAL ON ITS OWN IS ALREADY GREAT, HIGHLIGHT IT, DO NOT MESS WITH IT! THAT’S WHY SPIDEY HAS STUCK AROUND SINCE THE 1960S! (pun intended?)

In any case, would I see it again? *sigh*

LC

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